I don’t care if Tebow wants to Tebow. I’m just mad that he beat my Steelers. (tf)

I’m a psycho Pittsburgh Steeler fan (which means I’m a Pittsburgh Steelers fan), so I’m not in a very good mood right now. Steeler fans expect nothing less than a trip to the Super Bowl, but with Ben Roethlisberger playing on one leg….and a defense that has the attention span of a little league right fielder, things ended in a hurry this year.

Yea yea….that Tebow dude. An 80 yard laser on the first play of overtime and suddenly I’m not waving my terrible towel anymore. I’m using it to staunch tears. About 2 seconds after the score I’m getting text messages all over the place, mostly from Steeler haters and almost all of them mentioning the words “Jesus hates you”. I sat on my couch for about a half hour, too stunned to move. My 7-year-old kept saying…”Daddy, does this mean the Steelers won’t be in the Super Bowl?” And then, “why is that guy praying?”

Yep, there was Tebow, “Tebowing” near the end zone. I’m sure it’s genuine and all that, but at that very moment I was hoping James Harrison would take offense and deliver one of his patented helmet-to-helmet take-offs. All the more effective it would have been too since Tebow had taken his helmet off, making it easier for the faithful to notice the intensity of his God-likeness.

Now, would he be doing this if things had been reversed and the Steelers won? Er…no. Ergo, he’s thanking his man upstairs not only for the win, but for screwing my Steelers at the same time….which really irks me, and not only because his man obviously didn’t give a shit about my Steelers in the first place. If he did, he wouldn’t have pulled a Joe Theisman on Roethlisberger’s leg a few weeks back and bent the thing sideways. The truth is, a Supreme Being who involves himself in a football game is a Supreme Being who desperately needs some time management courses. Surely there’s enough hunger and disease and genocidal behavior and Republican primaries to keep the big guy busy on the weekends?

Sour grapes? Yea, maybe. Ok, definitely. ‘Cause I like Tim Tebow. I love what he was doing this season at the end of games. It did indeed seem miraculous, especially since for the first 55 minutes of a game he would usually throw the ball with the accuracy of a drunken blind woman with no thumb. But with the game on the line he suddenly turns into John Elway. It’s great for the NFL and I admit I was cheering the guy on with everybody else. And fans of Jesus love it too ’cause Tebow seems so modest and gives Jesus all the credit. Gee wiz…..it’s like getting beat by Beaver Cleaver. What’s not to like?

But this prayer thing. We are what Fox News tells us we are. A “Christian” nation. Don’t believe me? Imagine Tom Brady winning in overtime next week and running into the end zone and pulling out a prayer rug while pointing himself towards Mecca. Republicans might trigger a constitutional amendment to nuke New England.

What we all know but don’t say out loud of course is that American’s can be as outwardly religious as they wish, as long as we’re not outwardly espousing the wrong religion. “Wrong”, of course, being what Fox News says is wrong. Anything not Christian.

Personally, I don’t care what religion you are or aren’t as long as you don’t knock on my door and proselytize. I don’t barge in on you trying to get you to buy “Quadrophenia”, so why are you trying to sell me on the merits of the Angel Moroni?

And really, I don’t care if Tebow wants to Tebow. I find it kinda charming in a “look at me Ma” kind of way. I’m just mad that he beat my Steelers. At the end of next week’s game I hope he does a Tebow at the foot of Bill Belichick…..although I suspect Tebow won’t have much to give thanks for when Tom Brady goes all anti-christ on the Broncos and puts up 50 points. Brady is evil like that.

Say your prayers boys and girls.

–Tom Flannery

~ by admin on January 11, 2012.