Two Words. Rick. Santorum. (tf)

Two words.

Rick.

Santorum.

I wake up this morning to find that a guy who thinks the world is 6000 years old is now the front-runner of the Republican Party. A man who does not believe we have a “right to privacy”, even within marriage. A man who equates homosexuality to incest, pedophilia, and bestiality. A man who wants to ban contraceptives. A man who blamed the Boston Diocese clergy sex abuse scandal on “liberalism”.

Gee, and I thought it was the old dude in the cassock buggering the little boy.

I can’t find the right word for all this creepiness in US vernacular, so I’ll hop over the pond and borrow one of theirs.

I am gobsmacked.

It’s not that Romney or Gingrich are any better mind you. To me all of these people seem like freeze-dried mutants from the planet Xenu. It’s just that Santorum seems the nuttiest of the bunch, and the fact that over 30,000 Iowans voted for him makes you wonder what’s in the water out there. Or maybe it’s not the water. Maybe 30,000 guys all got drunk or stoned at the same time and headed to the polls in a sort of flash-mob just to mess with the rest of us. I can only hope, because if this nation is tilting towards a vacant fear-mongering sieve like Santorum, we’re more doomed than I thought we were.

But I’ve got Stevens, the Christopher Robin of commentary, in my ear all the time telling me to be more positive….so I’m gonna try to look at the bright side to all of this.

So let’s see.

Well…banning condoms should help Catholic school enrollment. And priests will have a larger selection of….wait a minute, that’s not coming out right. Ok, let me back up and think more on this.

Ok…privacy. Who needs it eh? Let’s say you’re in the boudoir with a lady who just so happens to be your wife. You decide to get creative and just as you’re closing your eyes and thinking of Thurman Munson the SWAT team comes crashing through your window and arrests you for being a perverted deviant. And they take your dog too, just in case. Surely keeping the world safe from non-missionary un-procreative activity can’t be a bad thing?

I’m really working hard at this. I swear. So dinosaurs and global warming were both invented by Al Gore. Aren’t you glad you know this now? It’ll sure cut down on the homework in science class. It may even do away with the dreaded “science fair” entirely….unless Rick still gets a bang out the pencil that looks like it bends when you put it in water. That was my project every year. Always good for a solid B…..and you don’t have to explain how the world can be 6000 years old when man has been brewing beer longer than that.

See? It’s not all bad. Think of the fun we could have with a President who said…

“The idea is that the state doesn’t have rights to limit individuals’ wants and passions. I disagree with that. I think we absolutely have rights because there are consequences to letting people live out whatever wants or passions they desire.”

Bada Bing! You bet your ass there are consequences! Imagine how much less congested the world would be if Jonas Salk was slapped with leg irons for doing that polio cure thing. I’m getting sick and tired of this originality bullshit myself. Bring on Big Brother…and let’s all kick Winston in the balls and stick rats on his face! Who’s with me!

Er…sorry. Got a bit wound up there. Sorta Nurembergish. Was getting ready to bring out the long knives. See how easy it is?

But back to reality y’all. I don’t want to have to explain to my kids why Rick Santorum is President of the United States. At this point in time, I don’t think the rest of the country has as advanced a sense of humor as them wacky Iowans, so we’re safe from this sort of  demagoguery for at least another 4 more years. But the times do seem to be a changin’. We just got out of a 10 year war….and there’s already a drumbeat to get into another. Business is business after all.

My own state elected Santorum to the Senate multiple times after all, so it’s not like we’re not complicit in this thing. PA residents do drink and drug tons though….and many are perpetually armed, so I just assumed election-day psychosis and tried to move on. It’s one of the reasons Pennsylvanians have a hard time looking outsiders in the eye. We look at the ground a lot and mumble.

“[Gay marriage] threatens my marriage. It threatens all marriages.”

That’s another Rick quote. Not sure how strong his marriage is if Joe and Bob down the road can wreck it, but I suppose that’s between Santorum and the Misses. Sounds like he needs to spice things up a bit…but within the law and all that.

I think I’m doing a damn good job of looking for the good in all things so far in 2012. Can’t promise that it will last, but I can’t promise that Stevens won’t get all curmudgeonly on you either.

–Tom Flannery

~ by admin on January 4, 2012.