Kim Jong Il and Bon Jovi (tf)

That little dwarf from North Korea died yesterday (or maybe days earlier….. totalitarians aren’t good with the details). Kim Jong Il, he of the pompadour and the platform shoes and the Stalinesque communistic wardrobe….a lover of American kitsch who just happened to be batshit crazy and homicidal and armed with nuclear warheads….and thus hard to completely ignore, especially if you lived in South Korea. But still. The world doesn’t exactly weep when dictators go into permanent vapor lock…although when the guy’s son is set to take over, North Koreans suddenly perfected the art of being grief-stricken for the state-run cameras….tossing themselves on the ground and pulling their hair out in spasms of anguish that would make Lee Strasberg disciples smile. Nobody grieves like citizens in a totalitarian state. And nobody does funerals like totalitarians either. They have their guy encased in a glass box, and his hair is perfect, like Tom Cruise’s in “The Color of Money”. I’d hate to be the guy who embalmed him if Il starts turning green in the bubble. Could be early retirement on some ice floe somewhere.

Next up on the depth chart is Kim Jong Un. The “Great Leader” is dead. So now we have the “Great Successor”. So named by North Korean state television. You wonder how long it took a room full of terrified underlings to come up with that moniker eh? From what we know the kid is about 30 years old and loves James Bond and Michael Jordan and Playstation. Like his father, he looks like a dumpling dipped in gravy, and has really bad hair. All of this, not to mention his lineage, gives him the qualifications to start WWIII if he so desires. Nice to know.

Stevens didn’t seem to care about any of this however, being much more busy spreading the rumor that Bon Jovi ceased to exist. Stevens sent me a text about it. Being a peerless journalist, he is surely one to be trusted with such news, right? So I sent out a flurry of text messages myself, only to be called all sorts of vile names by my contacts when it turned out Bon Jovi was alive and well in New Jersey….the victim of some hoax that went viral. Thankfully, Stevens was not near a news desk at the time, or he might have breathlessly reported the news to the WNEP viewing area. I did notice, however, that he spelled “Bon Jovi” wrong in his text to me. Some bizarre spelling I can’t recall right now, so I’m not sure he was re-living the 80s or anything, especially since his previous texts were spouting the brilliance of a Tony Bennett CD that he’d just purchased. In the music taste department, Stevens (staying in the totalitarian vein here) is more square than Tiananmen.

So all in all it was quite the day yesterday, and certainly worth writing about, in this blog anyway. Especially with me having to fill in for that slacker Stevens, who continues to moan about his writer’s block. With such almost ground-breaking things happening daily….even if some of them are made-up? Writer’s block?

Bah. Humbug.

–Tom Flannery

~ by admin on December 20, 2011.

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