Board Is Not Boring (tf)

Stevens loves to bring up the bad old days.

“Burger Time”. Good God. That wretched little man scampering across the screen like some crazed drug fiend desperate for another fix. It was hideous, and when our history is written”Burger Time” may indeed be pinpointed as the nadir of western civilization. Or at least the Reagan years. I think James Watt said it was damaging the morals of American youth. Or that may have been the Beach Boys Watt was talking about. There’s a bit of a haze over the 80s so I get confused. I’m sure you understand.

Thanks to Stevens and his love for subliminal torture methods, I now have the soundtrack of this vile game stuck in my head, and even banging my skull off the side of my desk won’t dislodge it. This is the type of thing that deranged people hear right before they pick up an ax and start decreasing the population. It’s positively demonic.

My brother became a wicked Burger Timer….and actually memorized patterns to where he could get to the 3rd or 4th level without even looking at the screen. He was very bored in those days and thankfully has come a long way since then. But at the time I thought him to be some sort of idiot savant, and I was, quite frankly, intimidated from going anywhere near the game.

Unless I was drunk. Late nights I’d get home during what Chuck Berry called the “wee wee hours”, and fire it up. Drunkenness and video games that make arcade-type noises and have dreadful graphics are the perfect combination. The brain has already shrunk from half a case of Rolling Rock and a few closing time chasers, so it’s the ideal size to be mesmerized by something sober people would normally find childish and inane.

I’d sit on the floor eating Doritos and controlling the little Burger Time troll as if the fate of the planet was at stake. I could play for hours, unless I got really sick and had to throw up. The next day I could never remember how far along in the game I’d gotten, but my guess is not very far, since my favorite part was watching the guy off the ledge. That’s obviously not the object of the game but it would always make me laugh. You know, the way being stoned on Bob Marley-esque stogies might make one laugh. Maniacally. The rolling on the floor type of laughing that nobody else understands. Just you and your ingested chemicals.

Not sure what happened to “Burger Time”. I vaguely remember graduating from college back in those days, and when that happens you’re not allowed to do half the things you used to do. Gradually the bottles of Rolling Rock decreased and video games seemed stupid again. Life intervened I suppose. One of life’s bitter ironies is that some of the best times we ever had were times when we had no life at all. When real living begins….you know….the kind that makes you get up early in the morning and pay bills and leaves a lot less time for AC/DC records….that’s when things get really dry and dull.

So, at the risk of giving Stevens an even larger head, I suppose I should thank him for reminding me of a time when my biggest concern was how hard a head had to slam against a bar to embed a bottle-cap in the forehead.

Yea….I was living the dream back then.

–Tom Flannery

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~ by admin on August 8, 2011.

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