Weight No More (ms)

Every day, it seems, someone comes out with a new diet for those of us who are weight challenged. The lucky few who aren’t constantly fighting fat simply continue snacking while we seek the salvation of weight loss promised by the next book or the newest magazine cover. I can speak with some experience here, Dear Reader, because I have been involved with my share over time.

At one point I followed a diet that had me drinking a lot of water each day; the drawback can be summed up in one phrase: what goes in must come out. One writer suggested I shouldn’t eat after three in the afternoon but my stomach and brain seemed to think it appropriate that eight hours later, at the awkward time of eleven, I needed to fill up. My conclusion is every diet offers a side dish of problems.

I’ve spent a good deal of time thinking this whole matter through and I can now proudly offer a plan that goes beyond the ordinary. Tell the truth, I can pretty much say that this is a foolproof plan and I am nearly certain I could get a doctors recommendation if only I could take the time out of my schedule to go to a doctor and present it. Perhaps the next AMA convention.

Anyway, I wanted you all to be the first to hear about this so I’ll concern myself with endorsements later on. I felt you should have first opportunity to sign up for: Mike’s Motivational Mowing March.

Now, we all know that exercise is key to any weight loss program; you need to burn off those calories even though you cut back on your intake. That body fat we’ve carefully stored away simply has to go and I want to help — here’s how.

For the low introductory rate of forty dollars an hour you can come to the ranch and walk at a GPS monitored rate behind my self-propelled lawn mower. Using the carefully designed diagram I’ve developed after years of painstaking study it is quite possible to assume you will burn off about four hundred calories, ten dollars a hundred. As it stands we must limit each participant to only one hour and that will continue until the fertilizer kicks in. We are working to strike an off-property deal with neighbors but that will involve a slightly higher fee. Additionally, for those seeking to maximize their workout, we will allow weed whacking once around for a mere ten dollars. Raking is twenty dollars more but you can take the cut grass home with you.

Now I’m sure you’re thinking this is radical stuff and it is but it seems to me that’s whats needed. By golly, we’ve got to take the bull by the horns or, in this case, the mower by the handles and I am offering my closest friends the opportunity to get in on the ground floor. Sitting still won’t cut it, ladies and gentlemen, but cutting it will.

Oh, and when you sign up, be sure to ask for your discount on our companion snow clearing winter program. Ask for it by name: Tummy Tightening Throwing. It’s another winner!

–Mike Stevens

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~ by admin on August 4, 2011.

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