The Solitary Game (tf)

Solitaire on the computer?! Eeeh Gadz! Stevens is so old school his blind spots are showing.

Everybody knows that Solitaire on the computer is what managers and their pet quislings play all day at their desks, in between cooking the books and spying on the rest of us and monitoring our internet usage. The very connotation of that wretched game is one of greedheads appointed by the man to step on the necks of the unwashed….allowing us freedom only on election day to go out and vote republican. It’s the kind of game that might be on the computer of every Royal behind the walls of Buckingham palace….to give them something to do when they’re not out murdering foxes and stomping on the Irish. Computer Solitaire has turned a harmless game which was the intellectual equivalent of running around in circles, into something positively Orwellian. Trust me on this. I know about these things.

You can’t “win” at Solitaire without cheating, as everybody knows but won’t admit. So there’s really no point in playing unless you’re the type who hits a golf ball sideways and then runs to find it and kick it back into the fairway before anybody else in your group can catch you. When Nixon played golf he’d stand on the first tee surrounded by savage looking Secret Service agents and hit drive after drive until one went straight and long. Then he’d pronounce all the previous shots “practice”. If anybody complained he’d simply have them audited by the IRS.

Nixon probably loved Solitaire. He may have been playing it when he was sitting in the Lincoln Room erasing 18 minutes of his tapes and drinking the top shelf scotch that he always saved for himself (he’d use cheap stuff for guests at White House dinners, ordering his kitchen help to cover the label with a napkin as they poured). If he didn’t win he’d just blame it on the Jewish press…..or throw a hissy fit and bomb Cambodia. Luckily he was so genetically dishonest and so addicted to the movie Patton (“The very thought of losing is HATEFUL to Americans”), a film he watched 3 times a night in the White House bunker, that we all know he devised a near-perfect system of treachery. You can look it up. It’s on the tapes.

I have it on good authority that Kissinger taught Mao Nixon’s version of the game, a fact that Henry couldn’t resist passing along to Brezhnev, who of course was mightily offended and started stockpiling warheads….detente be damned. How can anyone not consider such a game a threat to our national security?

And need I remind you that Solitaire was the game Richard Dreyfus was playing on deck of the Orca in the movie “Jaws” right before the shark began his quest to swallow Robert Shaw in one big gulp. The game is just creepy I tell you. It only leads to bad things.

So cease and desist this mind-numbing game that turns cheerful people into Manchurian Candidates. Read a book instead. If you’re illiterate, go outside and look for birds. You have nothing to lose but your chains.

I feel much better now. I’m off to send Stevens to a re-education camp.

–Tom Flannery

~ by admin on July 29, 2011.

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