Driving (tf)

I don’t like to drive. I’ve never liked to drive. I don’t mind the places when I get there, but I wish I didn’t have to drive in order to reach them. Driving sucks. And it’s dangerous….especially when your mind wanders so easily like mine. I don’t drive fast. I have an aversion to people who drive fast. I think they are assholes and I root for them to crash, which I know is not nice but I can’t help it. And let’s face it, the last time that punk crawling up your ass flew by you at 90 miles per hour you kept hoping that up ahead would find twisted heaps of scrap metal and a state trooper waiting with a night stick for the Jaws of Life to do their thing. You just don’t want to admit it.

I would rather spend 4 hours in a dentist chair than four hours at the wheel of a car. As soon as I pull out of my driveway I’m convinced everybody is trying to kill me. My goal on the road is just to stay as far away from everybody as I possibly can….reach my destination, park the wretched car, and have a cold beverage. Once I’m driving I hate to stop because it just reminds me all over again that I’m doing something I hate by dragging it out, so hopefully you’ve eaten and had a good pee and if you ask to control the music I’ll push you out the door while at the max of the speed limit. A driver should never be second guessed on his music. If you want to play your crap, then you drive. I’ll sit in the backseat and read.

I have to admit things are a tad more bearable since the GPS came along. I have no sense of direction. I still get lost on the side streets of Dickson City. Asking me to drive to a place 300 miles away used to be sheer folly. I literally would go the wrong way on major interstates…..even armed with a map. That’s pretty hard to do, unless of course you’re too dumb to read a map. Like me. And when you have no sense of direction, everybody in your car yells at you all the time, which just makes things worse. Combine all of this with man’s innate inability to admit that he’s lost and needs directions, and you’ve got hell on earth.

When my exit is approaching, I’m always in the wrong lane. When I hit a toll plaza, I always end up in the “correct change” lane when I don’t have the correct change. When it comes my time to merge an empty road suddenly turns into a frenzied burst of drug-fueled manic truckers as far as the eye can see.

It’s depressing.

But now, with the GPS, I just listen to that little voice propped up on the dashboard. I don’t question anything. If she tells me to drive through a wall I drive through a wall. It’s so much easier.

But I still hate it.

See you on the Pennsylvania road. Oh wait….that’s not my line.

–Tom Flannery

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~ by admin on July 15, 2011.

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