Software? No, Today I Prefer Hardware (tf)

Actually, I despise both software (never works the way it’s supposed to, and is always way too clever for its own good), and old-fashioned hardware store stuff, because I am hardware-challenged. If you ask me to get you a hammer I can do that. Anything else, beware. Ask for a “Phillips” and I may end up bringing you a hacksaw. Nuts, bolts, screwdrivers, wrench’s, etc…To me this stuff is baffling. When I open a tool box I see a pile of metal things that all look the same. When I walk into a honest-to-goodness hardware store I feel like the only liberal at a Fox News editorial meeting. I don’t even understand enough to ask a reasonably intelligent question.

Guys who know how to fix things love guys like me, because guys like me are the ones who pay guys like them. I pay people to do everything but change lightbulbs. I don’t like doing this, and not only because I can’t afford it. I realize what I’m asking for these guys can literally do with their eyes closed. They’re done in 3 minutes and are almost embarrassed to charge me anything at all. If I could turn the tables, it’d be like an illiterate person setting up an appointment for me to come over and transcribe and sign a postcard to their Mom….and charging $100.

Just remember it never pays to be stupid unless you’re a county commissioner and find yourself on the stand being grilled by a good lawyer.

Stevens drives a pick-up truck and wears flannel shirts on the weekends and lives in the country so you just know he knows his way around a tool-box. Stevens is one of those artistic, creative, left brain types who can also fix broken stuff. A freak these people are called in the circles I run with. He also loves to rub my smug little nose in it….and for this I am plotting some sort of sinister, intellectual revenge. I’m a little short of ideas at the moment but please drop me a line if you’ve got any.

My father could build stuff and fix stuff and change his own oil so I’m not sure why I’m so bloody helpless. It’s not like I didn’t at least have a fighting chance.

Last night I was asked to return a video using one of those Blockbuster kiosks that are in grocery stores. I tried to talk my 9 year old into coming but she passed. I knew I was in trouble. Just as I suspected, when I found the thing I had no idea where to put the video. At one point I actually looked behind the machine. I then tried to ram it into the spot where I guess you swipe your card. There was no way I was going to humiliate myself further by asking for help, so I just stood there for a few minutes talking to myself. “Ok, if you were a video, where would you want to be returned?” That was pretty much the level of the conversation. Eventually, I found it. I walked out feeling like Bob the Builder.

I know it’s not much, but one time it took me 10 minutes to figure out how to pump my own gas. When I finally figured it out I realized the gas tank was on the other side and I couldn’t reach. New Jersey has a law that you’re not allowed to pump your own gas.

I’m for it.

–Tom Flannery

~ by admin on June 20, 2011.

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