One Times One is One. One Times Two is….(tf)

Stevens is no help. I had to find “Quadrillion” by myself. It could come in handy when this blog goes viral.

In the past I’ve also asked him why “Wednesday” is spelled the way it is….and why it’s Brett “Favre” and not Brett “Farve”. I’ve wondered if the Pulitzer Prize for literature comes with a check, and if we win it what color tux would he wear to the ceremony (so we don’t clash). I’ve asked him to talk me out of buying a piano (“use the Pulitzer cash to pay for it” was his suggestion). He usually ignores me. Not that I blame him. These requests come to me at odd times, and if his cell phone is on the side of the bed I’m probably waking him. Insomniacs like me usually assume everybody stares at the ceiling at 3am thinking strange thoughts. I’m pretty sure Stevens is sleeping at 3am. He’s retired, so he’s gotta get up early to work 8 hours at the job he’s retired from. No, I don’t understand that last bit either so you might want to take it up with Stevens yourself. He’s interesting to talk to, even though he can be a bit cranky at times when the autograph seekers interrupt his coffee.

You knew this was coming Stevens. I’ve got another question/observation. And don’t blame me ’cause you brought it up.

Why do the multiplication tables we learn in school stop at 12?

Sure, we all memorized the multiplication tables. Stevens is old and he did it. I did it when I was in school many years later. My kids do it now. But still…the schools today will stop at 12. I have visions of mankind coming to a screeching halt because some General in charge of a missile silo somewhere doesn’t answer 13 x 6 fast enough. Visions like these might be the cause of my insomnia. Or my insomnia might be what triggers visions like these. Either way the question remains.

So why we’re at it.

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

Why do we say someone “slept like a baby” when all parents know babies wake up every 2 hours and start screaming?

Why is someone in a movie, but on TV?

Why does a dog get mad when you blow in his face but when you take him for a ride he immediately sticks his face out the window?

Why isn’t “phonetic” spelled the way it sounds?

Why do stores that are open 24 hours a day 7 days a week 365 days a year have locks on the doors?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why do we sing ‘Take me out to the ball game’, when we are already there?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

If the “Professor” on Gilligan’s Island could build a radio out of a coconut, why couldn’t he fix the damn boat?

Does shampoo really need directions? And how many people actually do the “repeat” thing?

How does a fool and his money get together in the first place?

What color does a smurf turn if you choke it?

Who decided to call “fear of long words” Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia? Isn’t that kinda rubbing it in?

What color is the ocean?

Who is the heavyweight champion of the world? (admit it, you have no clue)

And lastly….one for the ages. Charlie Sheen is either on a bazillion drugs (“bazillion” is Charlie’s word, and is actually what got me thinking about all this nonsense in the first place) or he’s not taking the bazillion drugs he needs. Which is it?

Well Stevens, I think I’ve given you enough to think about. You have plenty of time to ponder such mind numbing perplexities.

After all, you are retired.

–Tom Flannery

~ by admin on March 8, 2011.

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